Journal of a Questioning Duo

Hi, my name is Plum. It's nice to meet you. On, I think, Friday the 10th of this month I was out walking the dogs. Before this point, I'd been thinking of myself and my brain as almost separate entities. I'd made posts online about my intrusive and unnecessary thoughts and impulses. It helped me to contextualize my recently diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. However, while I was on this walk, my BPD seemingly named itself. It said to me, "Elodie."

Now, I recognized this name immediately as a character from a cartoon I'd loved as a teenager that had been cancelled for years now. I asked this strange thought in my head, "are you her?" and it emphatically denied this. I tried picturing where these thoughts were coming from only to be met with an amorphous black cloud of smoke in my mind's eye.

As soon as I walked in the door I quickly went to my computer. I had several aquaintances at the time who were systems, and it was my hope that they'd somehow assist me in making sense of the situation. They basically said to me "why don't you try thinking about these things the way we do? See if things work out, and we'll keep in touch."

It's been four days since this incident and Elodie has yet to leave. She mostly comes out when I'm upset; distressed in some way. She's really mean and rude but I think she's only this way for the sake of trying to protect me. I've learned a couple things about Elodie in the past few days. We disagree in our music tastes, for one. She's a big fan of Black Dresses, though. She's aromatic and asexual, which I found peculiar at first because I myself am a lesbian. She doesn't mind me dating, though. Which is good because I do have a crush I'm quite attached to.

Elodie is strange, but it's my copilot. We believe she's a manifestation of my BPD and this is why she behaves the way she does. We also believe that our best course of action is to speak with our psychiatrist about this development. My next appointment is in April. I've been going over all the different ways to introduce the subject. How to explain that my BPD seems to have formed into a separate entity in my minds eye. Part of me wonders if she's just an imaginary friend. Elodie thinks that, too. She can get cruel at times. It wants me to toughen up and be better but doesn't have the safest methods for teaching me these lessons.

If she is just in my head, she should disappear when I no longer need her. If that does happen, I'll make sure to state so on this page in the format of an update like this one. I hope you'll stay and read my posts. I could use a space to vent, free from judgement. I'm using an alias on this page and will not be linking to any social media besides Elodie's. Thank you in advance for reading this far.

Best wishes,

Plum

Hello again, Plum here. The strangest thing happened in my mind today. Previously when I'd pictured Elodie in my minds eye, she would appear in a black void with nothing else in it. Sometimes there would be a steering wheel. Very basic headspace. However, I was chatting with my friends earlier. One person brought up the potential of making a system server for us to join and participate in. The server would be organized like a gallery, with channels for each person to post in. Like their own dedicated hallway to share their interests with threads for each alter.

I reflected on what Elodie and I might want to share and at that moment something shifted. Our headspace was no longer a black void, but was now a gallery. Beige walls, old hardwood floors. Black leather chairs in the center of the room. The frames on each painting is the same brown ornate design. I can never see what's in them, though. The space feels very liminal. Nostalgic when I've never been here before.

On a side note I have a sort of explanation for how Elodie and I seem to be working together so far. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the movie Pacific Rim, but we're kind of like that. In Pacific Rim, there are these giant robots. Mechs that are so big they need two human pilots to function. Elodie and I are the pilots and our body is the mech. When I dissociate, it feels as though I'm the only pilot present and suddenly my body is very tall. I get dizzy and feel lightheaded when Elodie isn't around. Getting along with her is difficult at times and she can be aggressive or mean, but I'm glad to have her.

Best wishes,

Plum

Elodie doesn't like my crush very much, which I find confusing. You would think that a manifestation of BPD would be obsessive, but I feel like I'm the obsessive one. I like them, I do. They're very kind to me but I won't be revealing any details about them or the nature of our relationship here. For the sake of privacy. Besides, this isn't about me. It's about Elodie.

Elodie says that the interactions we have online are purely for physical gratification. That we're being used for our body over the internet by somebody who isn't in love with us, but is infatuated with the ideal version of us that exists in their head. I don't want to believe that somebody who was so kind to us would have those kinds of intentions. I don't want to cut them off or ask about this because I'm afraid of losing them. I'm very attached to my crush. I think. It's hard, sharing a head at once.

It will be about another four weeks before I'm able to ask my psychiatrist about all this. I just find it awfully convenient. Especially considering I recently lost some of my high school friends to an outburst I had online. It turned out that they'd been checking my page after having blocked me. But that's not the point. The point is that is sure is convenient that after this major event I would seemingly start to experience these weird symptoms. I just want the reassurance that I'm not going insane.

Best wishes,

Plum

Today something odd happened. I appear to have discovered another alter. I'm honestly a bit embarrased. Apparently, this type of alter is referred to as a "little" and a "fictive" and I'm reassured in the knowledge that this isn't an unheard of phenomenon. For a bit the night before I had actually wondered about my habit of age regression and if that was a sign of something else. I shook it off, however. I hadn't expected it to manifest as another alter the very next day.

I feel like my being monoconscious is a lucky break. It allows me to keep myself, the host, at the forefront. Nobody in my real life knows that I'm struggling with this. I've been keeping it a complete secret except for in spaces where I can be anonymous and/or trust that the information isn't going anywhere.

This new alter is very different from Elodie. She speaks entirely in... Babble. Or not at all. I don't think she's verbal, though it would make sense considering her source material. I made her a side blog so she can collect posts like Elodie does. After all, I am intent on exploring the phenomenon. At least I'll need to before my next psychiatry appointment. It'll be helpful to have as much information as possible before I reveal this stuff to my psychiatrist. I'm hoping that I'll either receive some kind of new diagnosis or figure out what the purpose of the others is.

I'll make sure to update the information contained on this blog after this development. I'm not sure whether I'm confident enough to link her blog or not. I'm concerned that the nature of this alter would encourage people to send something upsetting to her. I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Best wishes,

Plum

Elodie seems to have gone a bit quiet ever since our third member showed up. We'd talked before this happened though. In our head. We discussed how Elodie isn't the biggest fan of children so I'm assuming that's the reason she wasn't around much today. Other than that, I was in a very decent mood so I suppose she had no reason to make an appearance. Elodie usually comes out when I'm in some kind of emotional distress.

On the subject of our new member however, we didn't do a whole lot today. She co-fronted with me of course as they tend to do. We slept in and showered and took our medicine as usual. At some point today we were on the computer for a while when she demanded a treat so I ended up baking cookies for my family. They turned out really big but that isn't necessarily a bad thing when it comes to cookies. I just have to get better at portioning out the dough.

After that we took a nap because my 'brain buddy' got tired. It kind of sucks not having a job, yet. To my credit, I've been looking. I actually had an interview not too long ago and anotehr is scheduled at a second place on the 22nd. I'm honestly really looking forward to it! I want to have things to do during the day. Spending every waking hour on the internet is bad for you, after all. So wish me luck when that day comes around, okay?

Best wishes,

Plum

The day was uneventful again. I find it very hard. Elodie was around more again. Our youngest was not. I wish Elodie wasn't so mean. She carries memories I don't want to think about. Like the memory of the friends I can't talk to about this. The friends I'd had since high school before I lost them. In their defense, it was me who split on them. I just didn't expect them to check a webpage they'd blocked me on.

I'm not entirely sure what else to say. While I was struggling to wake up this morning I had a half-awake dream that there were four of us. I was glad this wasn't the case. I don't know what I'd do if the facets in my head started multiplying this fast. I only have to last four weeks before I can tell my psychiatrist what's happening. But I can't tell anybody in real life. They'll think I'm insane. Or ignore me. I just feel like the reaction would be negative. So I'd rather keep this all under wraps.

Similarly, there's one friend I have left from that group who still follows me online. I can't risk them finding out. I don't want to. I feel like they'll support me, but then there's the chance that I'm making mountains out of mole hills. That it's all in my head. That I'm faking it. Manipulating people somehow. I don't want to be harmful or manipulative or lie to people, I really don't. That's why keeping this a secret is what's best for me. No matter how mean Elodie is.

Best wishes,

Plum

Well, this is awkward. This isn't actually Plum speaking. We split again. It was really weird, actually. We were listening to music and that music happened to have an AMV attached and we split another fictive facet. That being me! I'm Utena. Not the Utena you might know, I'm probably a bit different. I'm older than I was in canon, for one. We aren't entirely sure why that is but it's nice to have another adult around. The running theory is that I'm an embodiment of self confidence which doesn't sound too bad. I'm a protector and in the future I'll likely be the one who has to deal with any shenanigans. It isn't like we can just hand off that role to Elodie, after all. She's kind of aggressive!

The point is I'm kind of excited to be here. The others are happy to have me, too. It's nice to have a positive role model around, after all. I figured that since I'm the one most conscious right now, it would have to be me that rights today's update. This won't always be the case, though! This time is an exception to the norm.

In all honesty, I'm already getting sick of keeping all this a secret. If anybody has an issue with us, that's their problem, not mine! They'll just have to go through me, and that's that! But if it means Plum is safe, I guess I can bite my tongue at least for a little while longer. But don't count on me to keep quiet given the opportunity!

Signing off,

Utena

You know what? Screw it! I said fuck it all today! I admitted on our main blog that we're questioning being plural. At first Plum stopped me before giving in and making the post herself. That's when I stepped in! You know, I rather like being the one at the front.

Today we had a couple things to do as host. We picked up our sibling for an appointment and swung by our mom's work to drop off something she'd forgotten. When we did that, she offered to get us lunch to which I gladly obliged. We got talking about life and one thing led to another. While we were eating, I happened to dissociate. She said she noticed it in my eyes.

That got us talking about my BPD diagnosis. Dissociation, specifically. I reassured her my experiences with it weren't that bad. At least, they're nowhere near as bad as they could be. We had a decently long conversation about my experience with the diagnosis and how I had the words to explain what was happening to me. How sometimes it even felt like there was somebody else in charge of my emotions because they were so strong. We didn't dwell on that part, though.

I just want to yell it from the rooftops! I'm here! I'm plural! I'm alive!

Signing off,

Utena

I'm quite severely doubting myself again. I had gotten so excited to attend a therapy session today (different from my future psychiatry appointment) only to be told I was there on the wrong date. The appointment was rebooked for next week. I look forward to it. Maybe it'll help me to finally talk to somebody in person about these things.

I'm afraid that I've only been giving names to emotional states. That I'm making everything up, that I'm worried about nothing. That I'm a fraud. Elodie is back again. She hadn't been around the past few days, not since Utena showed up.

I don't understand what I'm gaining from this. Utena wants so badly to exist and be heard but I'm afraid of being wrong. That I'm working myself up over something that isn't real. That all of this is the result of some kind of delusion or even a bias. I sincerily hope this isn't the case. I want some kind of confirmation that I'm not losing my mind. And it needs to come from a medical professional, otherwise the doubt in my mind will always find a new way to pick it apart.

I posted about questioning. Very briefly. Utena cleaned it up afterwards. The point is another three people seem to know now. I hope I won't regret this forever.

Best wishes,

Plum

Utena was still cofronting with me today. We learned something new about her; she actually seems to enjoy cooking. Which is good for us because we don't like to cook normally! Let's see, what else did I do today? I don't quite remember.

I woke up, ate, walked the dogs. Then it's a blur. I don't seem to remember doing anything. I'm certain I spent the time online, Utena must have been the one steering. Either way, we collaborated on dinner and ate alone. Our family ate on their own time. After that I was invited to a sort of... Plural hangout session on Discord.

It was the anniversary of an acquaintance of mine discovering that they're plural. So they invited myself and several other systems to join them in a second server to celebrate and discuss our shared experiences. I didn't stay long, but while it lasted it was very nice. I'll be more active tomorrow. I'm going to help my mom with an event at her work. We've done this before, it's actually a lot more fun than it sounds!

Best wishes,

Plum

I mostly fronted by myself today, except for someone I can't quite tell if they're a full facet or not. Might be another fictive, but it's unclear to me. I spent the day mostly fuzzy.

I went in to help my mom with a painting class she was teaching. It went really well! Gave me the motivation to draw again once we got home from the rest of our errands. After the class was over we had to go into town for driving related things.

I've been putting off streaming for a bit because of all this. It's been bothering me a lot and I haven't been motivated because of it. But, I'm going to start streaming again tomorrow I think. I have fallbacks for when the games I usually play haven't updated, so it should be fine. Normally people don't mind if I take a bit of time off. I'm only doing it for fun, after all.

Best wishes,

Plum

I decided against streaming today. Elodie was cohosting at the time, so I just wasn't ready for it. Utena took over after Elodie had been around for a while. She reasoned with me. Her suggestion was that instead of doing nothing, I be productive. I opted to help clean the kitchen and take out the trash after that. It's good for your health to be productive during the day, after all.

I made sure to walk the dogs and then played pathfinder with my friends. It was really fun! Nao, the new fictive from yesterday, showed up again. She's confident that she is who she says she is but I still feel fuzzy.

Best wishes,

Plum

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Believe it or not, I forgot I had this website for a little bit and by the time I remembered it was already the next day! Tomorrow I have my therapy appointment and I'm really looking forward to it. I really want to talk about this with somebody real instead of into the faceless void of the internet where I go by a name that isn't mine.

Elodie came back again and is insistent on doing something stupid with the body. That we deserve it for not making dinner on time. I think that's stupid. Elodie thinks we're a broken human being for crying and shaking over it. I'm going to ignore her suggestions and just let her post what she's feeling on her blog.

I've tried to draw Elodie so many times but whenever I do her face just looks wrong. Specifically the point at which her bangs end and her forehead begins. Today she just decided to start manifesting with wings covering her face, instead after we saw art depicting something like it. I wonder if that's normal.

Best wishes,

Plum

Sorry again for missing another day of posting! Yesterday was very busy. I went to my therapy intake appointment and brought up Elodie near the end of it when I was asked if there was anything else that was concerning me. I have wonderful news on that front, though! She doesn't think I'm delusional! It was wonderful to hear that. I told her I was recording everything I was experiencing and was going to bring it up with my psychiatrist. She agreed that this was a good course of action.

After that I had a driving lesson. I'm going to be taking a second exam soon and want to be in practice for when that happens. My instructor was very nice! He said I did well, which I'm really happy with. I'm feeling a lot more confident now that I have a general idea of what to expect from the real test.

Inbetween those two appointments I was basically stuck in town all day so I just went shopping around. I thrifted and looked at second hand video games and things like that. Did you know they're still making Tamagotchis? Well, I have one who's attached to my phone now. It's a second generation one!

Best wishes,

Plum

Holy Hannah, Anna! Sorry I've been gone for so long! I hope nobody was worried. It's Plum again with another update. I just hadn't been doing much lately, but today I had my second driving exam. I passed, thankfully! After that I went to pick up some paperwork I needed done. I went to the library and picked up a book on psychology hoping it might give me an answer for some of my questions.

Weirdly enough, I've been mostly myself lately. I'm starting to doubt myself again. What if this was all a coping mechanism? I mean, if that was the case it would technically give me the answers I want. I just hope I haven't been making a big deal out of nothing at all, if that makes sense. Thank you for reading this, really. It means a lot that I'm not alone.

Best wishes,

Plum

I'm not dead! I hope nobody minds that I haven't been updating. The fact of the matter is that my job hunt continues and beyond that I really haven't been doing much of anything I can talk about here. I do make content on the internet, but I'd rather not reveal any of my main accounts for privacy reasons. I wouldn't want this kind of this getting traced back to me at a time like this, you know? This is a sort of place to record and share my experience but that's about it. I don't want to use it for self promotion.

The point is that tomorrow is an exciting day! I actually had to reschedule my psychiatry appointment, but it's set for tommorrow. After a month of waiting I'll finally be able to tell my psychiatrist about this! I'm really looking forward to it. I actually haven't been doing a lot of my own research beyond what I've been told by others so I don't actually know what's going on with me. I'm waiting for a professional opinion on the matter.

I'll update again tomorrow after my appointment. In the meantime, wish me luck!

Best wishes,

Plum

So my appointment went really well, I think! My psychiatist thinks that what's been happening to me is a stress response and suggests that I give myself more to do outside of what I already have. I can't disagree with that! We decided to up the dosage of my medications and hopefully all of this will go away.

In all honesty, I'd be completely okay with that. I do hope this works because dealing with Elodie can be a lot sometimes and I don't know if I can keep her in check forever. Something is bound to slip eventually, and I'd prefer it if things went back to normal.

Best wishes,

Plum

It's like my headmates are still here. I can feel them trying to get out, almost. But it's like the meds formed a barrier in my brain that they can't get through. No matter how upset I get, Elodie either can't stay long or can't show up at all. I've been told that my psychiatrist sucks. I'm just not the type to dismiss a professional opinion so quickly. He does know more about the subject than I do, after all.

For as much trouble as she caused me, I'd rather have Elodie here than suffer alone.

Best wishes,

Plum

She's back! Elodie is back! And the others, too! I went to my psychiatrist and I knew I was right to keep trusting him. He validated my feelings and made sure I wasn't distressed at all, which I really appreciate.

Not only this, but I've found a likeminded community online. I'm not'out' as plural in real life, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. Unless I start seeing somebody I can trust, I guess. Which is unlikely.

Anyways it turns out that there was somebody else in headspace I was ignoring too. I've been letting her chat with the others online. I don't know if she'll write entries here, though. If it does come up she can introduce herself when she's ready. I'm not sure how long she's been waiting for me to notice her, but I know I've been ignoring the signs. It's the least I can do to try and make her feel more comfortable.

Best wishes,

Plum